Lucian Adonis blog

how life continues to suck

Tue Nov 20, 2007 3:59 am

[  Mood: Frustrated ]

it would seem that everytime I find a girl I like she is either taken or doesnt like me back.

the one time I "thought" i had found love she was evil and should very much find peace in some unknown desert island.

And some may say I have moved fast and dont know what im talking about but fuck you.
for in my life I have found two girls, both whom at each in their time I loved with everything I am.

And still love for that matter.

The first, i gave her my everything, allowed her into my more intimate deepest secrets. And she drug me around by my face, and lied to me at every corner, just to drop me off right infront of her as she jumped on some fucktard who later screwed her over, and then i go and try to comfort her and she fails to keep more promises and moves on without but a glance at me.

and now, I have finally gotten over my heartbreak, and found a girl whom I love very deeply.
she is so pessemistic and downcast all the time it is extreamly depressing for me as well, her parents hate my guts so much that they are doing tons of things to get rid of me.

Fortunatly the only things that matters is that I love her, and she loves me abck, she wont screw me over like the oen girl did.

My problem being that she is prone to only god nkows what as far as emotional and mental breakdowns go, and in me she has caused more than a few since my mental and emtoioan barriers being broken so brutishly by the girl who broke my heart.

so I black out and do things I dont remember,

last time i was here I wrote tons of poetry based on cutting, and LostExile actually wrote a poem called "painter " based on it all.
This girl broke down and broke me down to, to such a point
that I cut myself, burnt myself and damn near killed myself.

And now I sit in fear of relapsing into wanting to cut and burn and even kill myself which I have relapsed several times.

Its hard enough that i am depressive, which ticks off so many more issues, like anxiety attacks, loss of motivation, over sleeping, irritability, lack of energy, etc...

My poetry and drawing and singing have gone way down in quiality as of late because of it.

and now I wea two strings on my finger, one to remind me of what I have done in my past, what has happened to me and what the fuck could potencially happen again.

and one that reminds me of what the fuck is happening now, and the promises I have made to this girl no matter how destroyed I become.

Kinda sucks a bit.

Its not bad enough that I cant in my wildest dreams live up to my dads capability or my brothers or my grandmothers.

but I also cant even live.

I have so much more than alot of people yet still I find asomeway to have issues mentally, emotionally, physically, finacially...


well, life sucks then you die i guess *shrugs*

back to my poetry....

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